As seen on my personal Facebook page on 10/5/2020:
The current landscape of concert bookings is tedious and uncertain, particularly because most arts organizations are in fight-or-flight mode. Money is scarce, crowds are limited, regulations are strict.. and while there might be a yearning from audiences to return to the concert hall, things have fundamentally shifted. As someone whose career had just begun to hit a stride, COVID essentially halted progress. No, I’m not pitying myself, but it’s clear that the first people that presenters will have back on stage are those who are guaranteed to sell tickets and generate revenue. And for now, that still means the old guard—the standard repertoire, established performers, and an overall conservative approach. Those with burgeoning careers, in most cases, are going to have to take a backseat.
Though I’ve been feeling this deeply throughout the pandemic, I finally heard this predicament mentioned on a very famous podcast yesterday, and it did feel a bit validating. My solution in March was to innovate and find virtual ways of presenting my performances, but honestly, it became increasingly unsatisfying and unwieldy. I’m savvy with technology and full of ideas, but I just wasn’t “feeling it” — I think doing it out of necessity is different than doing it out of creative inspiration. It’s not the same as being on stage, and I don’t feel that I need to pretend that it is (or that I have to continue innovating every day in order to prove to people that I can. There’s something very virtue-signally about this “COVID innovation porn” trend and people searching for pats on the back that doesn’t sit well with me!).
That’s not meant to sound privileged, even though for awhile it felt that way. No, I think we all handle this differently, and instead of awkwardly chasing bookings in a time where I don’t even know how to approach presenters or universities (“hey, look at me, please book me, even though there’s no money and the industry is teetering!” - yeah, that’s how it feels), I decided to stop playing and take time off. Unfortunately, I didn’t give myself the break I needed, instead taking up lots of work for others and doing things I didn’t really need to do in order to make a few bucks. I continued overloading myself, but still thought that because I wasn’t practicing or playing that I was “taking a break” — I finally learned that this wasn’t the case, and I got to a really, really dark place.
As I wrap up my “pandemic projects” this week, I’m looking forward to renewing my love and interest in music. To be blunt, I handled all of this TERRIBLY! But damnit, I learned a lot about myself: how to treat my creative energy, when to say no, how to be a better partner and person, how to prioritize myself in order to then prioritize others.. the list goes on.
I had posted some Instagram story last week promising a long update. And the one I wrote was full of attention-seeking BS, because I was at my absolute lowest point of the last few years. I think this ridiculously long post did my feelings more justice, in a more measured and hopeful tone (I’m an optimist, I promise!), and I hope some of you can relate. I know it felt cathartic for me to write, and more appropriate than the schlock I was going to put out last week.
So, cheers to all of you, and as part of my “treat yo self creatively before jumping back into music” initiative, I will be working to get my new whiskey channel “Drums & Drams” off the ground. Then, I will finally tackle “Project Percussion,” once I’ve renewed my energy and shifted my focus back to music/career.
Be well, friends, and thanks to those of you who have reached out!